I’m happy to report that Joe has gained 5 lbs since they increased his TPN. It has given him the strength to walk short distances on his own without falling. He loves it! Unfortunately, his pain level continues to increase as the cancer grows and the toxins (combined with his pain meds) are taking over and we are losing Joe mentally worse than ever before. In addition, he still doesn't sleep longer than 2 hours at any given time. A whole lot of tears and un-pleasantries come with memory loss and excruciating pain. Out of respect for Joe, I won’t go into the details, but just say that everything is becoming harder to manage and harder to witness. Hospice is very concerned about the effect this may have on the girls and me and also worried if we can even physically handle Joe during certain situations. They want me to move him to the Hospice Center so they can manage him 24/7, see if they can do anything different with his meds and take over so the girls and I can be the grieving spouse/children instead of being caregivers/grieving spouse/children. I understand completely what they are saying, but I haven’t mustered up the courage to say OK yet. I suspect it is coming as there are certain things that are almost unbearable. I have told them that I won’t consider anything until after Joe’s 56th birthday, which is Sunday, May 4th.
On a good note, Joe likes to get outside everyday so we put him in the wheelchair and take a stroll in the early evening. We’ve been watching a video our dear friend Susan put together for us called “This Is Joe.” It’s been so helpful for Joe to remember certain people and events in his lifetime. He still lights up when the grandkids give him those big “HI PAPA” yells and hugs and kisses. Our youngest daughter, Shelli is turning 20 tomorrow, so we have been talking about how exciting this is and that our baby is no longer a teenager. Joe seems to understand that milestone as well.
As always, thanks for your never-ending prayers and support. We seem to be coming closer to the end and I just ask that you pray for Joe’s comfort and peace. He told me that he is ready, he isn’t scared and he knows it’s going to be wonderful beyond anything he could imagine. He deserves it. He is truly amazing.
With love and gratitude,
Sherrie
Joe Can’t Go
ReplyDeleteI went to the beach today. It was such a beautiful day. With the Pacific water painted blue, the warm sun shining bright, I could see the dolphins playing in the surf. Mother nature was alive and beautiful. I put on my running shoes and headed north along the beach. As I took in the sights, the sounds and the smells of this glorious day I thought of my friend Joe. I basked in Mother Nature’s beauty, but Joe can’t go.
I went for a run today, not as long as I once did, not as fast as years past, but still a beautiful experience of life and health, mile after mile under my feet, each breath alive with invigorating oxygen and heart pounding sweat, but Joe can’t go.
I went to the gym, really worked up a sweat. In a way it was just like those days of old so long ago when the skinny boys of our early teens went to the windowless, brick room and began to lift as football players. The sounds of the weights banging was the same. The smell of sweaty bodies was the same. The grunt of each bench press was the same, but the body is so much older, the hair so gray. When I closed my eyes it took me back to when little Joe was there with two spotters squatting the heavy weight, rep after rep, incredibly the same amount as huge Willey our massive lineman. With eyes open again I look around. There is no Joe. Joe can’t go.
I went to the court today. I picked up a basketball. Bounce the ball, shot after shot, miss after miss. Ah, some things remain the same. There was a pick-up game. Running, sweating, shooting, yes, so nice to still be able to play, but Joe can’t go.
I went to the softball field. Look at all those folks playing in their colorful uniforms. There are men, there are women, some are young, some are old. Some are much better than others. All are having fun. Joe always did, but now Joe can’t go.
I went to the football field with my son. We pass the ball. We run. We catch. Maybe I don’t throw quite as far now but it is still fun. I used to throw the ball to Joe. He was good at catching the ball. He was good at running with the ball. He was good at scoring touchdowns. It would be fun to have Joe out there again, but Joe can’t go.
I went for a hike along the mountainside. The fresh mountain air was invigorating. I hiked along the creek watching the many birds and small animals go about their daily chores. Around each bend of the creek held a new, exciting scene to behold. The hike was long and beautiful with the warm mountain colors in the chilly air and the sky so amazingly bright blue with a splash of cotton ball white clouds. Oh, what a scene to behold. It was a morning I wish I could share with my friend Joe, but Joe can’t go.
I went to church today. I went inside and prayed because
Joe can’t go.
R. G. Neilson